The Writer’s Maze: Survival Tips for Writers

It’s that scaretastic time of year again, when zombie writers emerge from their dens after a long summer’s hibernation. What are they in search of? Editors, agents, and publishers—OH MY! I’ve already talked about the Writer’s Maze to traditional publishing, but there’s something more you need to know about Fall for Writers. 

 

Besides the cornstalks of wonderful query-writing fun, there’s another correlation between this time of year and being a writer. Halloween for writers can be terror incarnate with the assembly of freaks on the prowl. 

For example, the scarers, the creeps in costume who hide in plain sight and don’t yell boo until you’re not looking. The ghosts, friends who only bring their crazy out on the internet. Then there are the goblins, the creepy men who stalk you on Facebook and Twitter and pretend they’ve read your book - which hasn’t been published yet – so they can flirt with you. The witches, self explanatory. And the trolls, the people who stalk you on the internet leaving bad reviews and rude comments, the schoolyard bullies who’ve grown old but haven’t grown up.  

But there are those people who are even scarier than all those others put together. The clowns. The clowns are those who pretend to be your close friend, but who don’t really have your best interest at heart (and no, this isn’t a vengeful post to take a stab at someone who’s wronged me). This is a collaboration of stories real-life friends have told me, rumors I’ve heard at writer’s conferences, and mixed-in tidbits of my own personal experiences. 

In a self preservation fashion, I’ve compiled this silly, yet gloriously satisfying, Fall for Writer’s Survival List. Complete with descriptions, curses and cures. Keep this handy by your desk for your own protection.

The Scarers: Are people whom you don’t consider a friend, but rather a trusted acquaintance, can be a professor, a freelance editor under your employ, a book-cover designer, an author, or anyone else considered an expert in their field whom you trust to give you honest advice about your career. 

Note: I am not a scarer because I am not considered an expert by any stretch of the imagination.

            Curse: The scarers are so named because of their gift for crushing a writer’s dream with their own tales of “Getting published is hard and can take years” or “Not everyone who wants to be a writer gets published.” 

WARNING: Actual sayings have been paraphrased for the general audience as an example of what a scarer might say, but be warned any person who utters a phrase meant to discourage you is a scarer. 

            Cure: Play deaf immediately. The scarers only power is just a scare tactic and their curse only works if you listen to them. The curse works like a tapeworm planted in your ear, designed to gnaw through your brain until it’s devoured every drop of courage, resilience and confidence you once possessed. If you encounter a scarer, plug your ears and hum, “Just keep writing, just keep writing. Just keep writing-writing-writing. What do you do? You write, write.” 

The Ghosts: The ghosts are the people you know in real life, who are perfectly charming and lovely in person, but they get online and suddenly they’re Debbie-downer. Everything sucks and the whole world is out to get them…and you, why? Because they’re paranoid narcissists with nothing better to do with their lives than dream up scenarios (which probably makes them good writers) of literary global doom and publishing world conspiracies. You know the ones who claim they had the idea for Harry Potter or To Kill A Mockingbird first? Yeah, them. 

Curse: The ghost’s only hope of scaring you from another realm is if you follow them through the looking-glass. That’s right stay away from all mirrors in which you relate to or resemble their delusions at all. That is what the ghosts want, company in their haunting pity party. 

            Cure: Focus on reality. In the realm of the living, the ghosts can’t hurt you. If you remember who you are and what’s real, you’ll survive a ghost attack no problem.

The Goblins: If you haven’t had the unfortunate encounter with a goblin yet, count yourself lucky. For me personally, goblins came as a surprise because no one warned me of their existence. Goblins are like dirty old men (though age really isn’t a requirement to be a goblin) groupies for authors on social media. There are a few ways to recognize a goblin. One, if they POKE you on Facebook. Two, if they Instant Message you saying things like “You’re prettier and younger than I imagined you would be from your book” or “I think you look sexy, Beautiful, we should totally talk.”

Curse: Freaky nightmares in which you imagine yourself having to hide on the internet because you’re too afraid to be in the public’s eye any longer. You feel isolated and alone because there’s no way this is happening to your friends too. They would’ve mentioned it, right? Well, not necessarily, a goblin attack is embarrassing and not everyone wants to discuss it. Some writers find it easier to cope by simply taking a shower and never mentioning goblins again.

            Cure: Expose the goblins. A goblin loses his power in the lime-light. That’s right, many goblins are married or in committed relationships and don’t want anyone to know that they’ve been IMing and POKING around with writers. Screenshot your goblin attack and show the world what’s really going on. 

NOTE: I don’t really recommend the screenshot thing, only because I myself am too chicken to do it. I have been a victim of a number of goblin attacks and I merely run and hide. But if you’re braver than I and decide to do so, please tag me in the post so that I might revel in your courageous glory. 

The Witches: Although this title pretty much speaks for itself, let’s review. Witches always seem to be around, a part of their magic I suppose. They brew up their potions of trickery and manipulation. They might even disguise themselves as a friend in need, only to feed you a poison apple of sabotage.

Curse: A witches curse can be hard to spot because you may not know that you’ve encountered a witch until you’ve hung yourself on the clothesline in the town square and the villagers have come to watch you swing. The witch may tell you to query an agent that clearly doesn’t even represent your genre, or they might suggest you enter your work in a contest even though it’s obvious your work isn’t ready. Or worse yet, a witch may read your work and steal your ideas. 

            Cure: Sadly, there is no foolproof cure for witches, they’re magic remember? But you can always arm yourself in knowledge and guard yourself well. Make sure you’re not being gullible. You must know for certain when your stuff is ready, and when it isn’t. And most importantly, if you’re worried someone else (who is maybe further along in their career than you) might steal creative mojo from you, don’t share your ideas and stories with them until you’re ready to publish so at least you’ll get the credit for being original. 

The Trolls: Everyone’s got trolls and it doesn’t matter what you do professionally, there’s always someone who wants to knock you down and tell you what a giant piece of crap of you are. Actors, singers, producers, publishers, editors, writers, everyone—everyone has known a troll or two in their lifetime. The hardest thing about a trolls right now is the ease at which they can bad-mouth their victims. The internet is one giant playground for a troll to find people to bully and putdown. 

Curse: The only power a troll has is if you start to doubt yourself and believe in what they say. If you for one second begin to see yourself through the troll’s eyes, then he’s won and you’ve lost a piece of yourself to fear.

            Cure: The best defense against a troll attack is to know who you are. I’m not suggesting that you maintain perfect confidence about yourself and your writing abilities throughout your career. I’m saying admit who are to yourself before you put yourself out there for the world to pick you apart, be okay with who are and arm yourself with that knowledge. If you know who you are and a troll tries to tell you you’re something else, you’ll know better than to believe him. 

The Clowns: The clowns are the scariest predator of all if you ask me. These clowns are meant to be serious, knowledgeable experts in their fields, but once you get up close to them you can see their makeup and then they squirt you in the face with the plastic flower in their lapel. They discourage you with words like “only five percent of writers find success” or “you shouldn’t write because you want to make a career of it, you should only write because you love it.”

Curse: If you’ve encountered a clown you’ll know because you’ll lose your nerve and quit the game before you even have a chance at winning. 

            Cure: Laughter is the best medicine to fight off a clown. Though they claim they want to be taken seriously (they even advertise how smart they are with their degrees and accomplishments in their bios) their nay-saying is evidence of their cynicism and you should never – under any circumstances – succumb to the skeptical intimidations of a clown. Laugh at them and walk away. 

Now you know, don’t be a writer that falls for tricks this fall, be a writer who’s well informed and stand tall when you submit your work. And if that doesn’t work, throw the book at the monsters and run like hell, there’s always another path to success. 

Happy Halloween!

 

  

THE WRITER’S MAZE: The Reason You’re Not Published

I’ve talked about writing a book for my entire life, as many people have, but underneath those empty words swam an oozing puddle of fear. Fear that I wasn’t good enough, fear that I wasn’t smart enough, or the right kind of person to write a book. I played with writing over the years, right up until the day I had my epiphany.

On that day I stood on the back porch, staring into the early morning sky, considering the dream I’d had the night before. It was a dream of characters I’d been imagining my entire life. I’d made up stories and plays about them, who they were and where they lived, what their lives were like. But on that night the story ended. 

I couldn’t stand to let it go, but I was so bewildered I didn’t know what else to do. And then, like a lightning bolt of clarity, it came to me. I asked myself, “Five years from now am I still going to want to write that book? In ten years will I still feel the same?”

The answer was an unquestionable, “YES!”

My mind raced in so many directions at once, I didn’t know which thing to think about first. “Was I going to do this? Was I really about to write an entire novel?”

“Yes I was, because I had to. My characters were dying and the only way to save them was to immortalize them on paper.”

But I had a problem. I didn’t know how to write a novel. I could write okay, I did write for a small newspaper. No one had booed me away yet. But a book…an actual book? I was way out of my league.

Then I thought of all the writers, real-life published authors, I knew and I called them. “How do I write a novel? What do I do first?” I asked.

Looking back I see fear in my hesitation. I wanted someone to guide me. I was so frightened I’d make a mistake.

AND, OH BOY DID I! Can I get an Amen?

I had not a clue. I’d taken a few creative writing classes in school, but this…this one-hundred thousand word (I know, right?) novel was something entirely new. It took me eight months to write the outline alone. And a year after that I hired a friend to edit my wonderful masterpiece, without even revising it first. I sent it on its way as soon as I typed THE END.

Looking back, I’m so glad I did (sorta). I was simultaneously terrified she’d say it absolutely sucked. Part of me wanted her to so I could return to my cowardly life where I didn’t have to put my hopes and dreams on display for other people to critique. But the other part of me wanted her to say there was hope. And that’s exactly what she did – bless her heart – I know that so-called manuscript was awful, but she looked at it with teacherly eyes and returned it to me covered in bloody ink stains. Entire pages slaughtered by the swipe of a red pen, as though they’d meant nothing.

But I wasn’t deterred. I thought I can do this; all I have to do is learn… so I went back to school.

Over the next few years (you can read all about it in my older posts), I educated myself on how to become a writer (still working on it!). But there was still this nagging fear that I wasn’t good enough, or I wasn’t the type of person who could be a writer. And then I tried using positive affirmations, “I’m confident I can and will become a successful writer. It’s only a matter of time.”

Back and forth, up and down, my doubts and confidences would struggle. Someone would give my writing a compliment and I’d think, okay, I’m on the right track. But sooner or later that fear, that ridiculous insecurity from childhood (read here and here) crept back.

Sure, I learned to move forward, to keep writing. I joined writer’s groups and attended conferences. I submitted my work for critique and even hired editors again, despite my fear of the red pen. Each time the feedback got a little better, more encouraging with advice for how to fix my authorly shortcomings. At the same time, my friends were getting signed by agents and selling multiple books to BIG publishing houses.

And here was little ol’ me, floundering around for a lifesaver, drowning in a sea of uncertainty. Oh sure, I had agents and editors interested in my work, and though they ultimately turned me down, they had really wonderful compliments and words of encouragement for me to keep writing. They said I was so close. 

Ugh! I felt like the rejected contestant on American Idol, “Thanks. You’re really sweet and I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but YOU SUCK!”

I pretended it didn’t hurt, after all “It’s only a matter of time before someone says YES.” Right?

That part was up to me, but I didn’t know it then and before I could figure it out life happened (read here) and my writing came to a dream-crushing halt.

“It’s over,” I told myself. Though, to everyone else I said I was just taking a break to focus on life, that I’d come back to it [my writing]. But honestly, I wasn’t so sure. I felt broken, defeated, and hopeless.

All of my friends were moving forward and I was not. I was standing still and they were (and still are) zooming by me on their way to success. And I’m so happy for them, truly.

But what I felt, at being left behind through no fault of my own, was overwhelming despair.

I tried to keep writing, when I could, but it wasn’t the same. My flame had been snuffed and no matter how much I tried to reignite it, it only gave a tiny flicker of my original dream. I needed a miracle.

Miracles are funny things. I used to think of them as being a momentous event, like Moses parting the Red Sea, but I’ve come to realize that miracles can take time. A miracle might be happening right now, because as I scribble this down I understand where I went wrong so clearly. 

Let me back up. A year ago next month I attended one of my favorite writer’s conferences, The Dallas Fort Worth Writer’s Conference, and I pitched a couple of projects I’d been working on despite neither of them being completely “polished.” I told the agents and editors, who seemed genuinely interested in my projects, that I was close (I do NOT recommend pitching before it’s absolutely ready!). 

I went home and got straight to work, but once I delved in an irrational fear consumed me. I had allowed my circumstances to become my excuse for my inability to finish what I’d started and ultimately I never submitted anything. I closed the projects away in a folder on my laptop that I still have yet to reopen. 

I’m sure the agents and editors have never given me or my projects another thought, but it doesn’t help knowing that I promised to deliver something, and I haven’t. That only makes me feel like more of loser. 

And this is where I believe the miracle is happening, right here…right now I’ll admit for the first time that the reason I have not finished the books is because of fear and weakness, not my circumstances.

I have allowed myself to become one giant, walking, talking excuse because I AM AFRAID.

I am so afraid I’ll never get published that I gave up trying.

And here is my confession, which I have just discovered about myself, “I am the only reason I am not published!”

And if you’re like me, you’re the only thing standing in your way too.

I see people bitching and moaning all over the internet about these agent rejections or that editor’s notes. I see people gripe when someone critiques their work. But the truth is…

If we truly want to be published, we have to stop buying into that fear and get busy changing what needs to be fixed in order to get published. PERIOD.

If the world is saying you’re not ready, then YOU’RE NOT READY. Accept it and move forward. Take it from me, denying it only makes you stuck. And I’ve been stuck for far too long. It’s time to dig myself out and make my dreams happen.

Because no one else is going to.

Stay tuned...

The Writer’s Maze: What a Zoo!

Hi Ho to all of you monkeys hangin' around this zoo!

If you’re here, you’re probably a writer and you know exactly what I’m talking about (or very lost and wondering what the hell is going on). 

Last week the family and I went to the zoo and it got me thinking that each of the beasts, those wild animals held captive in their domestic prisons, is like a writer. 

The writer longs to be free of the chains and enclosures caging us in (don’t miss The Writer’s Maze: WiPs and Chains). We want to be free, to run untamed through the jungle of publishing rules and laws, a.k.a. THE WRITER’S MAZE! But like the zoo, though it is beautiful and orderly to look at, the rules of writing try to control and tame the writer’s heart. 

Yes, there should be boundaries and standards of acceptable writing, but when and how can we writers escape the confines of these laws and get away with it? Let’s look at The Road a Pulitzer Prize winning novel by Cormac McCarthy. 

McCarthy is a lion of the writing jungle. He dared to ignore almost every writing law in existence and he got away with it. For those of you who’ve read The Road you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s choppy, it’s grammatically incorrect to the extreme, heck he doesn’t even use punctuation. Many people have pondered why he wrote the novel this way, was it to add to the discomfort the characters were feeling? It certainly made me uncomfortable reading it.

Does that mean we, as writers, can follow in McCarthy’s footsteps and get published? Win a Pulitzer? Maybe. What I mean is, are we a lion like McCarthy? I know I’m not. I’m more like this guy…

 

...not the cutest bird in the world, but my song is sweet.

I’m exotic, yes. I’m different, I’ll give you that. But I only vaguely resemble the rest of my writer species. My writing is more like a bird on a wire than a lion on the prowl. If I tried to break all of the rules McCarthy did it wouldn’t work for me. I couldn’t even live in the same enclosure with a lion let alone try to be one.

That’s why we need the zoo and the zoo keepers. The zoo, rules of good writing, maintains the standard. However, what the zoo cannot do is determine how and why a certain literary work has the IT factor. Now, the zoo keepers, the editors, agents and publishers, remind us daily that even though we must conform to their rules and live with our own kind, they still want us to remember that we are wild.

Now, you might be the type of writer who thinks, eh, writing is easy. Any monkey can do it…if they follow the rules. And though that might be true, it doesn’t mean any monkey can climb to the top of the New York Times Best Seller list. 

The zoo works because of the regulations and environments it provides for the wellbeing of the public, but if we animals (i.e. writers) were to become too complacent and docile no one would want to visit us. The zoo is the best of both worlds. It is a collaboration of dangerous predators and the sweet songs of the canaries presented together in a picturesque and stimulating setting (i.e. books). 

After all, that is the goal, yes? To see our writing tamed and corralled along the shelves of many, many bookstores? I know that’s my goal. Like my fat, long-beaked bird, I pick and gather the twigs and moss of literary dos and don’ts, trying to force my natural tendencies to conform. At times I do still feel as though my wings are clipped, but for the most part I’ve learned to fly up one branch at time.

Maybe one day, the monkeys will be trying to catch us birds.