I know I haven't blogged in forever and a day. Personal drama and revisions have kept me away and I'm so sorry. But I think Valentine's Day is the perfect time to get back in the blog saddle and spread a little romance...
Between the Sheets is hosting a steamy blog hop to heat you up and leave you begging for more.
Here's a scene from my YA SF Romance, SEEK...
He takes my face in his hands. His mouth crushes mine. I’m hypnotized by
his heat, his roving lips. Everywhere is Jonathan. Everything is Jonathan. Only
joy, need and want.
My hands grope him as if independent from my brain. They roam over
the tight muscles in his neck, the smooth skin of his chest, the line of
baby-fine hair that runs vertically down from his waist. My fingers bump the
waistband of his jeans and I hesitate, temporarily distracted by high school
memories of girls bragging about lewd things they’d done with random boys at
parties.
I am not those girls. This is Jonathan and we’re in love. We’re not
using each other for temporary gratification, so I take a shaky breath and
forge on. His heart hammers as I hastily fumble with his zipper.
His hand closes hard over mine. “Keira,” he breathes in my hair, “I don’t
want to…”
I don’t wait to hear the rest. “Oh,” I gasp, jerking my hands away.
“You didn’t let me finish.” His hand is on my cheek again. “I don’t want
to do anything that makes you uncomfortable,” he says, sweetly nudging my
chin.
“I’m not uncomfortable. I’m excited. There’s a difference.” Great, I
sound like a child and I hate my voice for betraying me.
“You’re trembling,” he says holding my unsteady hand out as proof.
I try a different approach, one that involves me sounding as though I’ve
asked this before. “Do you have protection?”
Be sure to check out the rest of the sizzling blog list on Between the Sheets
Hot, hot, hot. The beginning just sizzles. The hesitation and fumbling seems just right for a first time. But to me, it seems that the breathless pace you set at the beginning suffers from the lines about the other high school girls. I wonder if you could just lose "temporarily distracted by high school memories of girls bragging about lewd things they’d done with random boys at parties.I am not those girls." and start with (But) this is Jonathan...
ReplyDeleteSame thing with "We’re not using each other for temporary gratification... " Also, I'd lose "Instantaneously" and anything else that interrupts your MC's breathless, independent of her brain, narration. (Maybe a teenage boy would say "shaking" instead of "trembling"?)
Your MC's voice is just so compelling. I'd really like to read more. Thanks so much for posting this.
Oh wow, barbtaub.com! You're absolutely right! I'm going to take all of your suggestions. Thank you so much. :-)
ReplyDeleteI was hooked from the first line! The pacing is fantastic and really echoes what the MC feels at this moment - that breathless, hurry-up-and-rip-my-clothes-off intensity. "My fingers bump the waistband of his jeans" really transported me into the scene, and everything that followed kept me there.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Barb about "instantaneously;" you wouldn't lose the effect, which is great, without it. But I like the "high school girls" line. It tells me a bit more about how the MC thinks. I definitely feel connected to her, and I think the voice is fantastic. Great job! Can't wait to see more :)
I agree with Barbara as well, but GURLLLL, I can already tell your writing has come a long way!! WOOOOOT! Love it.
ReplyDeleteMy only other comment to add is I would consider using a different word for "grope" near the beginning. It makes this sexy action come off as almost grotesque. Just a slight twist to give a different shade of meaning would work. Maybe try: move/wander/explore.
Great job! Awesome scene, GF. Well done.
Woowoo, sister! You got some HEAT going on here, girlfriend!
ReplyDeleteI was sweating by the end of this-- so you've really got the passion thing down.
I totally agree with the high school comments. It pulled me away from the sexiness-just for an instant. Other than that--it's awesome! :)
Also agree about Instantaneously.. but.. his hand closes hard over mine {{Hard. tee hee}}
Woowoo, sister! You got some HEAT going on here, girlfriend!
ReplyDeleteI was sweating by the end of this-- so you've really got the passion thing down.
I totally agree with the high school comments. It pulled me away from the sexiness-just for an instant. Other than that--it's awesome! :)
Also agree about Instantaneously.. but.. his hand closes hard over mine {{Hard. tee hee}}
I'll also put in a vote for getting rid of the "high school girls" line. That was the only part that really pulled me out of the scene. Instead of getting caught up in the moment with the main character, my mind was wandering through speculation. Who were these high school girls? Friends? Enemies? Is she still in high school? What did these girls brag about doing with boys? How is it different than what she's doing here? Or is it really all that different?... You don't want the reader's mind to go wandering off on tangents at a time like this!
ReplyDeleteSmart girl! My favorite line has to be My hands grope him as if independent from my brain mostly because I can relate to it. This is a great snippet. Also, I love your cover!
ReplyDeleteI love all the feedback! Thank you all. I've already scrapped the "high school girls" and "Instantaneously." I'm torn on the "grope" word choice. To me it shows how clumsy and uncomfortable she is. But Heather has a point, I don't want to gross people out. :-) Thanks for weighing in, ladies. So helpful!
ReplyDeleteSince I've read all the love scenes from bottom to top, yours has come after reading a dozen gentle, reserved, slow, romantic scenes... so your scene hit me like a wall of testosterone. It was jarring in a good way!
ReplyDeleteI hear what other readers have said about finding the high school girl reference jarring - but that was not my experience with your scene. For me, it added more imagery and brought the scene even more to life. Go figure!
I do agree about the word 'grope' though. It's an ugly word in a sexy scene.
Nicely done! Will you share how this love affair ends?
This is my first "hop" experience -- complete with much groping (!) to make things work. This is so much fun -- and your steamy scene is my first. Wow. I'm what you'd call a "mature" woman, but this excerpt took me back to an exciting young age. I agree about losing "instantaneously" but you sure have the right tone otherwise. Wow.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great scene, Candie! Totally didn't expect that last line!
ReplyDeleteLove, love, love, love this! Keira's astute wit about the entire situation (the lewdness of what other girls do) is pitch perfect. I think you can stand to lose "I am not one of those girls." Her actions tell us that. Great pacing when Jonathan stops her and she fumbles about. The line "I'm not uncomfortable, I'm excited. There's a difference," is very wordy, however. Is there a way for Keira to get that across in fewer words?
ReplyDelete[Blushing] Where were these kinds of books when I was a teenager? As everyone has said, you capture the passion and the breathlessness of the moment quite well. Although I don't personally like the word "grope," I think it's probably the word teenagers would use for this. The one detail that threw me was the "the line of baby-fine hair that runs vertically down from his waist." THen, in the next line, her hand bumps his waistband...how can she see/feel the hair below his waist if his jeans are on? Unless they're super low riders like teenagers wear nowadays???? Just showing my age, perhaps! Anyway, great job. Looking forward to reading this!
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